Wednesday, 28 September 2016

Lifestyle | Let's Chat...

Source - Make Up Savvy

Recently I've felt a little out of sorts and I can't quite put my finger on what it is; I think it is probably due to the fact I've got a few "What Ifs?" happening at the moment that aren't fully finalised. Which means I'm feeling on edge a lot of the time, I would probably say at least 80% of my day.

I'm taking my driving test for the second time next week and after being so close to passing the first time, I feel pressure to pass this time round. It's mostly myself putting this pressure on as I keep thinking of the freedom that being able to drive will finally give me. I hate that I can't just go on a late night trip to McDonald's or be able to drive my friends and I on a road trip somewhere at the weekends. I just feel this impending doom that I have no control of as I know I can drive but it's up to some guy to decided that he thinks I'm safe enough to drive around freely without supervision. And as someone who suffers with anxiety this isn't something I cope with very well; it's constantly churning away at the back of my mind non stop.

Another thing that is on my mind is the prospect of moving out in November; I'm not going to say too much at the moment as I'm just waiting to finalise a few things. However I do think it's those final things that have got me like "argh what if *insert stupid thing that will never happen*". I know it will all work out and it will so much better for me mentally to have my own space instead of living at my Mum's but I hate the uncertainty of not knowing.

One final thing that probably leaves me on edge the most is my Nan. I think I mentioned it briefly in a post a while back but in April she suffered a major stroke during an operation to remove a blood clot in her leg; this has left my nan a different person to who I grew up with; she can no longer talk, walk or do anything that we take for granted on a daily basis. This is something I never thought my nan would be like and it's hard because I know I will never hear her little Irish voice again telling me that I should loose some weight or that I didn't need another top from Primark. My nan has lived with me my whole life (27 years) and the fact now that she has to live in a nursing home scares me; what if they don't look after properly, what if she can't watch the football on a Sunday afternoon because they've forgotten about her? I feel like I'm in a constant battle if I want her to be living how she is right now or if it will be better for her to pass away; which is an awful thing to think about someone you love dearly. But to be not able to walk, talk, dress, eat; I'm not sure that's a life I would want to live?

I need to take more time for me I think; a couple of weekends ago I went to Brighton to meet up with my Trek America girls and I got so drunk because I wanted to forget all these things however I got so drunk that I blacked out and made myself more anxious the next day because I couldn't remember things.

I forever feel the need to make other people happy yet I feel the most alone I have in a very long time. Something that feels alien to me, I feel like there is a puzzle piece to me missing to make me feel complete, but then do we ever feel complete fully?

Until Next Time...


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